Harry Potter and the Prisoner of a Fashion Victim
by xmudx
Summary: Its here! A parody of the entire third movie! FOURTH chapter is UP and awaiting your approval! Flames are cool, but a good review is better!
1. Default Chapter

Welcome welcome welcome! It has been far too long since we last heard from the antics of Potter and his two crazy sidekicks! This in short is a true story, the names have been changed because well names like Dumbledore and Hagrid are much cooler than ones like Smith and Eugene. Anywho, read on if you dare! Also if you haven't read my first story 'Harry Potter and the Unholy Parody' then you are a filthy loser! It is the adventurous spoof on the second year at Hogwarts. COMPLETED and you can find it on my author page! READ ON!  
  
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF A FASHION VICTIM  
  
Harry was getting tired of dieting. He lovingly gazed at the well-worn pair of pants hanging on his otherwise bare wall and fondly recalled the sweet days of his 2nd year at Hog's Bleed. Jumping up from his chair he approached them and took them down, wondering if he could ever fit into them again.  
  
Harry: Oh shag this invisible zipper! I am goin' to catch the night bus and get me some tea and cakes!  
  
So our story begins... Er... kind of, bare with me here  
  
Harry: I am most grateful me friends sent me all of these yummy cakes and (wave of pleasure) DONUTS for my birthday.  
  
(Harry pulls a muscle in his wrist as he rips open the package. It burns as he takes a nibble of a particularly creamy custard-filled donut, he chokes and realizes it's not filled with custard at all, but pig dung. He would definitely have to get even with those Weasleys for playing such a prank on him!  
  
Harry: Retch! Puke! Spew! OOOWEEEEE!  
  
Vermin Dursley: HARRRYYY! If you can't keep your hands off of that BLOODY PIG...!  
  
(Indeed Harrys 'mail pig' lumbers into the room having just arrived via poo power out on the front lawn)  
  
Harry: (spitting the remainder of his 'pignut' or 'dough-pig' onto the floor) I have mail!! It MUST be from me best mate RON!  
  
(Harry's bed bugs carefully creep out from under the pile of dirty clothes to grab the delectable treat still warm from the mouth.)  
  
Letter: "Hey dude, miss ya lots! Hoped you liked the cakes and by the way Harry- Happy birthday man! Love, Ron"  
  
(Harry carefully picks up the only other piece of mail he has received in the past 18 weeks, careful not to further enflame his now throbbing wrist.)  
  
Harry: Now let's see, where did I leave my glasses?  
  
(Harry locates his new horn-tipped purple glasses and puts them on his pointy nose which seems to have also shrunk due to the dieting... as they fall straight down to his upper lip... which is trembling.)  
  
Next letter: "Dearest Harry Potter, Before we can allow you back onto Hog's Bleed school grounds, we need you to have your muggle guardians sign the attached paper which will allow you to go on wonderful adventures to the city of Hoggenweed. In addition to this their signature will also allow us permission to employ stricter punishments for your INEVITABLE fuggups. It is for your own good you know, so without the required signature you better stay the hell off of our property OR ELSE!! Love always and forever, Snappy, Potions Master, Hog's Bleed School of Witchcraft and Fancy Pants, INC"  
  
Later on that day:  
  
Harry: Uncle Dursley, will you sign my permission slip so I may attend my third year at Hog's Bleed School of Witchcraft and Fancy Pants, INC?  
  
(Harry uses his most special petulant-pouty mouth and quivers his bottom lip)  
  
Vermin: GET AWAY FROM ME BOY! Or I'll.........  
  
(Suddenly Aunt Petulance walks in and overhears this threat, shoots Harry a dirty look)  
  
Petulance: Oh give me that thing! I can't stand it any longer! I will sign it just to get this bit of my sister's rot gut out of my house!  
  
(Aunt Petulance rips the letter from Harry's hand and scawls her signature on it, throws it back at Harry)  
  
Vermin: You dumb womb! Your signature is worthless in all matters of general importance. I REFUSE to sign my name to enythang ta' do with that school of magical morons! Now if you don't get out of my face this INSTANT boy, I promise that I will be cooking that FLYING PIG in the neighborhood pit before days end! OUT I SAY! OUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!  
  
(Harry further shrivels from this latest tirade and with head and heart hanging low, exists the room in defeat.)  
  
Later on...  
  
(Harry is seated on his private throne located in the back of his secret closet.)  
  
Harry: (In the dark speaking to nobody in particular) Good thang Aunt and Uncle don't know about my secret throne. more maniacal laughter  
  
(Harry adjusts the pointy shoebox he is sitting on and ends up flattening it on accident. Harry's eyes begin to water)  
  
Harry: Oh what else can go wrong? I need to go back to school! Drat!  
  
Harrys inner voice: You really should go to school... why are we sitting in your closet? Let's try another doughnut....  
  
Vermin: HARRREEEEEE GET DOWN HEEYA RIGHT THIS INSTANT!  
  
(Harry jolts up, wipes his Malibu Barbie lipstick off his lips and prances down to the living room, spinning a pirouette in the air every ten steps or so)  
  
Vermin: Alright, I admit I enjoy watching your body float through the air in those splendid jumps... um, err, I'll sign the slip if you don't frig up your aunt Moo's visit.  
  
Harry: Hang on... Auntie MOO has come to town for a bit-of-a-wee-visit has she? (twittering)  
  
(Harry tenderly rubs his backside having earlier sustained a paper cut when his shoebox collapsed)  
  
Vermin: Er, yes your Aunt Moo, MY dear sister. Now you are to behave!  
  
(Doorbell rings its sing-song TRA-LA-LAAAAAAA)  
  
Vermin: (Reddening in the face) Will someone PA-LEEEEEASE answer that BLOOOOODY door?  
  
(Petulance is seen frolicking in the direction of the door, then stops unexpectedly at the toaster to see her refection.)  
  
Petulance: Oh, Snugglebottoms! I DO so love this American toaster oven from G.E. you gave me for Mum's Day last year! It closes up this gap in my teeth and makes my neck waddle appear so much smaller!  
  
(She continues sashaying to the door as Mr. Dursley chooses to ignore her stupid ass.)  
  
Petulance: Moo! So nice to see you again! (Attempts to hug neck, but is overcome by the smell of old cabbage)  
  
Vermin: MOOOOOO! My Dah-ling Moo! You look stunning! (Moo reaches for her plastic shopping bag/purse that is filled with cabbage and hugs it closer in protection)  
  
??????  
  
(Harry instantly furious by the immense lack of attention, tap dances his way over to the adults performing a series of very difficult moves)  
  
Harry: (High pitched squeaky voice) Auntie Moo!! Auntie MOO! Such a pleasure it is to see you ma'dam!  
  
(Harry approaches her, not sure of himself, then decides to bow, slips in cabbage juice, and simply lies facedown and prostrates himself in front of her on the hard wood floor)  
  
(Ignoring all else, Moo plants her fat foot squarely in the middle of Harry's butt and shouts out for Dudley)  
  
Harry: ROOOOAAAAR!!!  
  
(Horribly aggrieved, Harry blows ass and then-)  
  
Harry: Release... the... EVIL!!  
  
(A green cloud billows and all at once Moo expands and explodes on the spot, spraying the set with flesh and cabbage debris of the most horrible sort)  
  
Alfonso Cauron: What is this? We do not pass gas in the name of revenge! We need more EMOTION DAN! Think of what Harry must REALLY be feeling right now!  
  
Harry: OH NO! A bad boy I have been! I will pack my things to leave straight away now. (Forced tear, snigger)  
  
(Harry is tickled pink and filled with jubilation. He has been working on that particular spell for many weeks and dared hoped it was ready to be put to use. Down in the foyer Aunt and Uncle are crying hysterically at their now ruined posh wall paper.)  
  
(Harry storms around his room giggling and kicking his furniture for fun)  
  
Harry: That one was for you pops! (does a thumbs up and air guns several invisible shots to a moving picture of his parents)  
  
(Harry puts Magic to an assortment of items to take with him)  
  
Harry: Lets see, yes, yes ...YES I've got it! (Breaks into screaming song and yup you guessed it, a river dance)  
  
"My trunk! Some books! Some fishing lines and hooks! Some monster goo and a new hair-do to finish off the look! Spam! And Jam! A wand that goes KRAM- KABAM! Magazines to read! A bag of weed! Its all for me! HERE I COME HOG'S BLEED!! IT'S THE STAR WITH THE SCAR! IM BACK! IT'S HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRYYYY!!"  
  
(Harry magics his trunk to float as he gently cascades down the staircase on his assmaster 2000 with an all too dreamy look on his face)  
  
Vermin: You FIX HER!!  
  
Harry: Ok fine I will.... NOT!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! LATER DUDE!!! 


	2. Prof Snarl Face

Hey! Here we are in the second chappie already! Hope ya brought your poo power!  
  
RUN AWAY RUN FAR FAR AWAY  
  
(Harry lands)  
  
Harry: OH NO! I have run away from my home! I have exploded dear Aunty Moo! NOW what will I do?! (Harry does a little jig at his clever rhyming.)  
  
Harry: I am SUCH a clever little boy  
  
(Harry looks to his left and his right)  
  
WoOf! (Suddenly a huge black visage of monsterous dog appears from behind a bush, lunges and begins to ride Harry's leg)  
  
Harry: Tears trickling down his face AAAaaAAaAAaAaRGH! Stop that! G-go away! NO!! BAD DOGGIE, BAD!!!  
  
(As the dog finishes his business, Harry's body is suddenly propelled hundreds of miles through the cold night air)  
  
Harry: Wow! This must take me all the way to Hog's Bleed! I COULD fancy a good fly!  
  
Harry: WHOA! My shrunken jubblies are getting a bit of a chill!!  
  
(Harry attempts to shield the wind from his chilly jubblies and warms himself at the same time)  
  
(Being the middle of the night the only spectators to witness this pitiful sight were the paranoid muggle crackheads and prostitutes of Great Britain, which actually boosted sales in both industries. Some junkies saw the little boy flying through the air groping himself and thought to get a good lay in, while others insisted they were given bad drugs and went to find some more.)  
  
(Harry flies for some time. So much time, in fact, that when he gained ground he had managed to construct an item of apparel that resembled a gooey jock strap worn on the outside)  
  
(Many passersby and students looked at his new creation enviously)  
  
Harry: 'S amazin what one can do wit' a bit o' cloth an' jelly! Look! Shoves pelvis forward  
  
(OoOoOooh! AaAaAaAah!)  
  
Fudger: Harry Potter! You are alive!  
  
(Harry drops his crotch warmer in shock and amazement as Fudger, the Minister of Magic, makes his way towards him)  
  
ShlooopT!  
  
(Before Harry knows it, Fudger had grabbed his crotch warmer off the ground and slipped it under his robes.)  
  
Harry: But sir, I must SURELY get the copyrights to my new invention!  
  
Fudger: Nonsense! I for one will make sure you are err... 'Rewarded' greatly for your contribution to society!  
  
Harry: Come again?  
  
(Harry looks over and notices Fudger is stretching out Harry's warmer and working it onto his own midriff)  
  
Fudger: Not one scrote will ever go cold again!  
  
Harry: Er... alrighty then!  
  
(Harry is now shown to his posh hotel suit overlooking all of Hog's Bleed)  
  
Fudger: Alright then Harry? Your friends are downstairs having heard of your murderous run from the law they knew to find you here!  
  
Harry: My friends are HERE?! Harrys voice cracks in a most obnoxious fashion   
  
(Harry grabs at throat having injured his sweet girly voice box, his eyes water and his legs tremble)  
  
Harry: Whisper Tea... good kind man... I need... tea  
  
Fudger: For you Harry, anything!  
  
(Fudger magic's some levitating steaming tea right before Harrys runny pink eyes, Harry takes a sip and burns his lips on the hot liquid)  
  
(Harry gulps the boiling hot tea)  
  
Harry: Whhhhaaa??  
  
Fudge: Huuuuuuuh?  
  
(Ron and Hermione burst into Harry's room to find a tear stained Harry with what appears to be huge blisters covering his entire tongue)  
  
Hermione: Great Moldy Lollipops Harry! I simply cannot leave you alone for two seconds wit' out SOMETHIN ending up in your mouth that shouldn't be there!  
  
Hermione: YoburnsgetoffthetongueOleeo! VoicegetbackintheboxOROso!  
  
Harry: Gee thanks!  
  
(Harry looks up from the floor to notice both Ron and Hermione sporting fresh made jelly sack warmers, Hermione's being perfectly made, and Ron's predictably poor and shotty, having been hastily crocheted by his mother who used old cigarette butts and strawberry jam.)  
  
(Ron immediately does his best MJ imitation as he jiggles his new crotchwarmer across the room)  
  
Ron: Remind you of the old days with the Snail Shells, Harry?  
  
(Harry winks. Suddenly a great screech is heard followed by a change in air pressure as the fattest cat in Magical Land rolls through the door and lands on Hermione's foot, causing every bone to be broken)  
  
CraaaaaaacKLe, CrunCH  
  
Hermione: AAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
(Harry immediately takes action by feeling sorry for Hermione)  
  
(The obese cat passes out in the corner of the room tail held high in the air)  
  
Ron: I'm WARNING you Hermione! If you cant keep that BLOODY fat awse away from Scabbers-  
  
Hermione: 'Crisco' is a cat! NOT a BLOODY FAT AWSE!  
  
Ron: Oh yeah? Have a look! –points-  
  
(Both Hermione and Harry are horrified at the sight before them, with his rear facing the trio and tail held high in the air for some reason, apparently Crisco was having some digestive problems)  
  
Harry: -Retch- Look! He trailed it all the way in!  
  
(Hermione is mortified to see her favorite pair of strappy sandals now decorated in many shades of mucus-like red and brown)  
  
(Ron claps Harry on the shoulder)  
  
Ron: Feels wonderful to be with you again mate!  
  
Harry: Also draping his arm across Rons shoulder Ready for another year of ADVENTURE BUDDY?!?  
  
(The two boys engage in a chain of grunts, hand jives and facial expressions as they leave Hermione alone to deal with her cat and her cat's digestive problems)  
  
SOME TIME LATER...  
  
(Happy scene in a crowded bar with everyone grouped around a table, Ron's showing off a paper)  
  
Harry: The playboy mansion?? You lucky summat!  
  
Ron: Yeah I know, quite lucky Dad was able to actually win at the dog track this time instead of him blowing all our Christmas funds... and birthday money...oh, and well college tuition o'course.  
  
(Harry looks at the detailed photo of all the Weasleys waving happily in a hot tub with many half clad women and some sizable men as well)  
  
Hermione: -letting Crisco sprawl across her lap and onto the table wearing his kitty maxi pad for the leakage- you know some people used to worship cats!  
  
Mr. Weasley: Harry my boy could I have a teensy weensy word with you? Err- alone?  
  
Harry: rolls eyes Cant this wait? You know, I am kind of BUSY here eyes the Fabio look-alike in the picture  
  
Mr. Weasley: I'm afraid it can't, you see we need to introduce 'Serious Lee Darkskidmark' the murderous convict who has escaped only to kidnap, torture, beat and boil you alive in his stew!!!  
  
Harry: Oh. That. –Looks back at his Fabio picture- What's new?  
  
HOGSBLEED EXPRESS  
  
Ron: So let me get this straight...You were lying on the floor, and then your Aunt stepped inside your butt hole, so you blew her up? BRILLLYUNT!  
  
(Harry blushes. The memory of that kind of penetration causes him to tense up.)  
  
Hermione: Ron, it's not funny. Harry could have been expelled! Then we would be out of a job. Come on, everywhere else is full.  
  
(They enter a compartment containing some squeaky dog toys and a man with a set of large mutton chops)  
  
Harry: Who do you 'spose he is?  
  
Hermione: Professor Snarl Face  
  
Ron: YOU KNOW EVERYTHANG! Reeeeeeally now how can she know everythang??  
  
Hermione: Its on his dog collar Ronald  
  
Ron: oh...  
  
(Sometime later after Ron and Harry tire of playing pirates and searching for 'buried treasure' in Crisco's litter box)  
  
(Harry peers over at Professor Snarl Face)  
  
Harry: Do you think he's asleep?  
  
Ron: I spose so, I think he's dreaming though, look at the way he's moving his hands and feet like he's running! That's so cute!  
  
(Harry gets their attention by waving his shirt in the air and letting his voice steadily rise with each word, face contorting as if each syllable is causing the most excruciating pain)  
  
Harry: I've-got-something-to-TELL-YOU-GUYS!!!  
  
(Harry attempts to shut compartment door, a loud snap is heard and Harry falls back to the floor sobbing and stroking his freakishly small and hairless arm)  
  
(Hermione kicks him out of the way muttering something about the 'star of the show' and slides the door close with ease)  
  
(Harry tells the pair all his deepest most darkest feelings)  
  
Ron: So Serious Lee Darkskidmark has escaped and he's now after you? DUDE! That blows!  
  
(Harry whimpers in agreement as he is lost in one of Crisco's fat rolls smelling heavily of cat puke and old infection)  
  
Harry: Why? Why must they hurts us? Poor pooooor Harry...  
  
BOOOOOOOM!  
  
(Train stops)  
  
Harry: AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Hermione: WHHOOOOAAA!!  
  
Ron: (In his best Cpt Kirk) I... I think we've stopped, yes... THERE'S... someone coming aboard the train... some THING!  
  
(Harry does a sideways glace toward Ron with the hint of a smile playing on his dry, cracked and chipping little baby lips)  
  
Harry: Hey mate! Did you just do a sweet William Shatner impersonation?!  
  
Ron: That I did dude, that I did –nods-  
  
Harry: That totally rocked!!  
  
(Harry stands up, attempts to do an enthusiastic air guitar only to re- injure his wrists, forearms, shoulders, fingers and elbows)  
  
Hermione: Who's coming aboard?? AYYYEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
(The room suddenly goes black and a luminous creature suspended in midair floats into the compartment)  
  
(Harrys vision goes black)  
  
Some distant woman screams: NO NOT ON HARRY I BEG YOU! I'LL WEAR IT INSTEAD! AYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
Yes now it is time to review! Ten Points to who ever can spot the Little Nicky reference in the first chapter and a bonus point for finding the Ace Ventura reference in this chapter! 


	3. Delinters

A/N Sorry this is so short  
  
(Harry wakes up to find Professor Snarl Face chewing on his shoe)  
  
Snarl Face: Oh so sorry my dear boy! Here have a bit o' dumpling! It helps, REALLY helps  
  
(Harry reaches out his hand to accept the soft and placid offering)  
  
Harry: What...what was that thing?  
  
Ron: I dunno mate, but I felt weird though, like I'll... I'll never fully mature as a man.  
  
Snarl Face: It was a De-linter, one of the guards of the wizard prison  
  
Ron: A de-linter? BLOODY HAYOL! What was he doing on the train?  
  
Snarl Face: Apparently some of us are not using proper technique when doing our laundry. They are on the lookout for Serious Lee Darkskidmark because you see, like his name, Serious is known for his lack of laundry cleaning skills hence the name Darkskidmark. They need to see what type of laundry detergent he uses.  
  
(Harry looks down his shirt front and for the first time in his life he wishes not that he had breasts, but that he didn't have that huge mayonnaise stain dribbled from his collar down to the hem of his tatty T- shirt, how humiliating)  
  
Harry: So, err, Hermione, why were you shouting anyway?  
  
(Harry tries to discretely cover the stain by folding his scrawny arms across his bony ribcage)  
  
Hermione: Harry, I wasn't shouting  
  
(Close up as Harry tries to look innocent and confused in his reflection, only to botch it up due to the fact that his left eye wouldn't stop twitching)  
  
Ron: Harry, what's wrong?  
  
Harry: Oh, um, well, I ah, you see, um, err....  
  
Hermione: Oh REALLY Harry! If you are going to be THAT self-absorbed, trade shirts with me! My flat chest is not much bigger than you're own and no one Need ever know about this!  
  
Harry: Well if you think it'll be okay.... (Harry quickly slips out of his robe and pulls the oversized T-shirt over his head)  
  
Ron: HARRY! Where did you get that cool training bra? Glory Be! It's lovely!  
  
Harry: (proud smile broadening across his flushed face) Thank you Ron! I um, I got it online from the House of BraZils! I have this same model in many colorful Um, colors....  
  
Hermione: (Immediately mindful that Harry's breasts are plumper than her own, grabs the soiled T-shirt and pulls it on before the others notice) Well now. I will just run to the little witch's room and see about getting this mayonnaise off.  
  
Harry: Ron, do you think this color of T-shirt makes me look like a SISSYBOY?  
  
Ron: No! Not a-tall Harry. I think it looks dandy as is, but if you want, let me just tie the front for you to accentuate your waistline!  
  
Harry: No time for that now Ron! The Delinters will be coming now. I think they are going to KILL!!!!!! I better go use my lint brush before they get here.  
  
Ron: Great idea buddy! You do me quick and I'll do you!  
  
(The two take turns rolling a large spool of tape over one another, comparing the size of one another's lint balls)  
  
Hermione: Oh! Well lookie 'ere I have quite o' bit o' lint meself right 'ere RON!  
  
(Hermione pushes out her chest and waits in hysterical anticipation... one of her nostrils is making a shrill whistling noise)  
  
Harry: What's that sound? Is that a Delinter on its way again?!  
  
Ron: Bloody HAYOL! I dunno mate but we better get off the train quick! (Wink)  
  
(The boys seize their opportunity to purge themselves of Hermione and make their exit)  
  
THE GREAT EATING HALL  
  
(All the students compile into the great hall wearing their wizardy best)  
  
Milfoil: Crap! Boyle! Did you hear? Potter was the reason the Delinters came! He was wearing an oddly yellow substance stained shirt on the train!  
  
(Crap and Boyle look up from the steroids they are injecting in their hindquarters to guffaw at Harry)  
  
Hermione: (looking under her robes remembering she is still wearing the grubby t-shirt) Just IGNORE them Harry!  
  
(Milfoil takes out his compact mirror and fixes his hair before applying ten layers of make up to cover his blemishes)  
  
Harry: Blech!!! Great giggling grapefruit! WHAT is that stench? (Harry gives Hermione a quizzical look)  
  
(At that precise moment old man Dumbledore whirr's by, having just arrived in the Great Hall by assistance of his latest motor scooter, a neon pink sign on the side of his new rascal 2000)  
  
WrRRRrRRrRrRrRrrr!  
  
(The hall falls silent as everyone watches the brittle and spotted old man attempt to clamber into his special hydraulic podium chair, all stand mesmerized as they watch it slowwwwwly rise high enough to see over the top. Dumbledore is about to begin his first speech of the year)  
  
(Dumbledore, looking very majestic and proud, suddenly breaks into a beaming smile of relief as the flatulence he has been holding onto for 3 days suddenly makes its escape beneath his robes and warms his backside)  
  
Dumbledore: Errr- WELCOME! It is another year (cough spit cough) and we need to be making sure all laundry is fresh and clean for as many of you have seen by now we are playing host to the Delinters! Goodnight! 


	4. Quiddish

A/N Some thanks to my reviewers!! THANKS!  
  
Cracked neck Glory: Hey! I'm glad you like it so much! But really man don't you think its time YOU added more to your parody?! I'm waiting!  
  
Angie: LOVE YA GIRL!  
  
Rockerrae: That's the spirit! Might as well be laughing something off!  
  
Copacabana: You have to get my humor. If you don't well then maybe you just need a hug : )  
  
Sg1lotRpotClover: Thanks!  
  
All right, time to write a chapter  
  
FORESIGHT CLASS WITH TRA LA LA  
  
(We see Ron and Harry sitting in Foresight class. We see JUST Ron and Harry... alone...NO Hermione)  
  
Professor TRA LA LA: I am here for comic relief! Watch now as I do some physical humor BAM! And young man, please put that thing away, this is foreSIGHT class)  
  
(Ziiiiip)  
  
Harry: Im sooo over this already, good thang she gave us extra tea eh mate? Cheers!  
  
(Ron giggles and sips his tea with his pinky sticking out)  
  
(With cat-like reflexes TRA LA LA runs over and smacks Ron)  
  
TRA LA LA: No, you fools, we will be reading tea leaves today, here, red headed child, tell me what Potters cup says  
  
Ron: Well, Harry's got sort of a wonky chair wearing a wig, that means Harry's going to castrate hiself – COOL MATE! Can I watch??  
  
TRA LA LA: Give that here boy you obviously do not possess- AAAaAAaAaAAAAA! HOLY ISH!  
  
Ron: Wait a minute.... ... ... 'ish'?  
  
(Harry startled by his teachers sudden outburst, falls out of his chair, instantly cracking his tailbone)  
  
Harry: AYYEEEE!  
  
TRA LA LA: My dear boy! My poor dear, DEAR boy! You have---THE CRUMBS!  
  
(Harry is writhing on the floor in pain)  
  
Random child: The grim?  
  
Another random child: No not the grim you moron! The crumbs! It says here the crumbs are a horrifying omen! You are damned to spend your days tarnishing your wardrobe with stains and soil of the most TERRIBLE sort!  
  
(Harry startled and mesmerized tries jumping up from the floor and clumsily sploshes Ron's tea down his shirt front while screaming like a 6 year old girl)  
  
Ron: L-Look! He's already done it! The Delinters will arrive any time!! BLOODY HAYOL HARRY!  
  
Hermione: Rubbish!  
  
(Ron does a cartoonish double take, eyes bugging)  
  
Ron: WHA WHA Whaaaaaa? Where'd you come from??  
  
(Harry still lying on the floor does a quick fix spell on his backside to mend the break as his legs start jiggling)  
  
Harry: I feel it-I think its coming!  
  
Hermione: WHAT? A Delinter?? OH MY GAH!  
  
Ron: Wait a minute... 'Gah'? And nobody answered me before when I asked about 'Ish'.  
  
(Harry springs to his soft and french manicured feet)  
  
Harry: NO Hermione! An artistic dance interpretation silly-billy!  
  
Harry: Ohhhhhh Yeeeeah! I FEEL IT COMIN!! WHHHOOOAA!! Oh its time again at fair Hogsbleed, to trick and trip and make fun of me! But things are different now you see, Im the STAR! IM PIMP DADDY HARRY!... ... ... Word to yo mutha homes!  
  
(Harry with a strained and almost painful looking smile shakes his body so enthusiastically that he looks as if he is having a seizer and kicks TRA LA LA in the face knocking her glasses down the stairs)  
  
(Applause and a snappin' of the fingers)  
  
Harry: Thank you thank you!  
  
(Class ends)  
  
(Students tumble down the stairs on their new school funded ultra bouncy magic balls)  
  
Harry: -BOING! - Hey buddy –BOING! - That was one sweet class –BOING! - don't you think?  
  
Ron: -BOING- Indeed it was bro – BOING! - Indeed it was  
  
Harry: ARRR Matey! There be some glasses on the floor! I'll take 'em back up! ARRRRRR!  
  
(Harry presses his special singing Barbie levitation button and his bouncy ball carries him up the stairs where he snoops around in TRA LA LA's class while she is away)  
  
SCARY VOICE: HAAARRRRYY POTTER!  
  
(Harry slowly turns to come face to face to the most horrible scary sight ever seen!)  
  
Harry: AAAAAAYEEEEEEE!!  
  
To be continued.........  
  
Just joking!  
  
TRA LA LA: He will return tonight!  
  
Harry: Okay cool  
  
QUIDDISH FIELD  
  
(Game time)  
  
Harry: By golly it is raining! Time to really test this bad boy out!  
  
(Harry shimmies on his jelly sack warmer, looks down to appreciate his fine work, tweaks a muscle in his neck, and whimpers in pain)  
  
(While his head is momentarily restricted to only look down Harry cringes as he notices this mornings cereal milk dried and crusted to his robes)  
  
Harry: Blimey!  
  
(Game on!)  
  
Harry: Well at least this RAIN should 'elp wash off the crustier portions! Score one for the Hair-man! Ohhhh yeah!  
  
(Does a little dance on his assmaster broomstick which from the ground looks highly indecent)  
  
(Some of the smaller students cry at the sight)  
  
Other Grittyfloor player not important enough to name: GET THE SNACK!  
  
Harry: Whaaaaa? Oh right! Snack here I come!!  
  
(Harry bumbles around in the air doing many loops and dives screaming; all that dieting didn't do his quiddish any good now that he is 15 pounds lighter as the slightest breeze throws him one way or another)  
  
Harry: DRAT! HEY! The snack!  
  
(Harry soars upward into the air after the golden snack, catches it and enjoys his mighty prize)  
  
Harry: Ooooo! I got it! I got it! Yummy yum yum its pancakes!!  
  
(Harry takes a big bite with a stupid looking grin on his womanly face)  
  
Delinter: Boo!  
  
Harry: AAAAYYYYEEEEEE!!!  
  
(Falls off broom and plummets to the ground)  
  
(Everything goes black) 


End file.
